Look

2007-12-09T11:06:00.003+08:00

I'm fickle-minded.

2007-12-06T01:28:00.000+08:00

I don't know you anymore.

I prayed the hardest prayer ever in my life.

2007-12-04T22:24:00.000+08:00

If you were given the chance to go back in time to change one thing, what would it be?

2007-12-02T17:06:00.000+08:00

Running out of specialness.

2007-12-02T01:07:00.000+08:00

Once you convert, you never want to go back.

2007-11-26T16:28:00.000+08:00

A little boy quietly sits in front of a piano, with his fingers poised over the bright white keys. His teacher, seated beside him on the bench, plays a complicated series of chords, filling the air with a beautiful melody. After a single hearing, the boy begins to play, perfectly reproducing the song he has just heard. As the last notes fade away, the boy sits still for a moment and then begins to rock gently back and forth, only stopping once the music begins again.

.
.
.

In the case of the little pianist, the essence of Savant Syndrome and autism becomes very clear. While in any other situation, the boy's skill would be praised as the mark of prodigal genius, in this case it is thought of with little but sadness and fascination. After all, were it not for the presence of developmental displays within his brain, the talent would more than likely never have touched his life on the conscious level. In a sense, the unrealized potential here is much less tragic that the tinge of genius which touches the lives of the autistic savant.

by Sural Shah

Could it be possible that a Rain Man exists in each and everyone of us.

2007-11-24T13:26:00.000+08:00

What do you do when you see someone cheating in an exam hall? Do you be a goody-two-shoes and tell on the evil-doer? Or do you turn a blind eye and pity the poor guy. The examiner said pants down (haha) pens down, and emphasised that anyone caught writing will be considered cheating. This guy, Mr Pimple Face, discreetly but very obviously (to me) kept stealing scribbles on his paper. Do I report him? Like childish primary school kids who tell on their classmates?

I just stared and stared with all my might, hoping my staring powers will somehow be strong enough to will Mr PF into putting down his pen.

Perhaps my sense of justice is not that strong, but some things are just not worth the effort.

//

My mom. Had been gone for 3 weeks now. Most times I forget she's not around, but her absence is most pronounced when I open the fridge. It's empty, barren, void of anything remotely edible. The freezer's empty, the bottom fruit compartment's empty, and the middle section is empty too. There're packets of chilli/ketchup sauce we saved from MacDonalds or KFC, medicine and some random jars filled with random (tasteless) stuff.. I found this jar of dried ginger slices, in my hunger, tried a little and immediately regretted it.

Worst of all there's no one to stock up on toilet rolls. Rawr.

We're so pathetic without my mummy.

//

My dad. Has this twitching problem with his eye, which later morphed into a full semi-facial twitch. The chinese sinseh said it's some blood vessel pressing against a nerve (???). But I think perhaps some neurons are faulty, and they must be firing away constantly, causing motor neurons to contract every second.

Didn't someone say when your eye twitches someone's talking about you. Alot of people must be talking about my dad. And it's 24 hours, even when he sleeps. How awful he must feel.

2007-11-16T08:32:00.000+08:00

It broke my heart and my dreams the other time I didn't get it. Please please please let me through this time.

//

“If you really wish for something in life, then the whole universe conspires to get it to you”, says Shah Rukh Khan in the movie Om Shanti Om. It was my first Hindi film at the cinema and I love it. I've always been interested in Bollywood films, perhaps due to spending many lazy afternoons with my grandma watching them on Vasantham Central. I love all the music, the dancing, singing, the colours, everything. I love how justice always prevail in the end, and I love how it always ends happily-ever-after.

Now I'm considering catching Saawariya as well. The trailer makes it look very captivating.

2007-11-08T09:18:00.000+08:00

We're studying Abnormal Psychology now, which means we learn the different types of psychological problems prevalent in society today. And you know what I think I might be suffering from obsessive-compulsive disoder (OCD), minus the compulsive part.

People who suffer from OCD have obsessions in recurrent or persistent thoughts which are intrusive and difficult to suppress, and in a bid to stop the obsessions people have compulsive behaviour, or repetitive behaviour. Like everytime you touch something you contaminated and you have to keep washing your hands countless times a day, sometimes until they are raw.

In any normal situation, like sitting down to dinner I imagine someone accidentally cutting my arm when holding their butter knife, or when my friend is lending me a pencil I imagine her accidentally poking it into my eye, or while crossing the road I imagine some car speeding up to me and pinning me under. How easy these things can happen, if you think about it. If not for social rules and appropriate behaviour, such things CAN happen. I picture myself slipping and rolling down the stairs, or tripping over myself when walking up the stage, suffering a concussion after running into a pole during training. It's not like these things are out of the world; it's not like they've never happened before.

And it's not like I intentionally think about them, these thoughts just bombard my mind. I think, maybe the effects of watching Happy Tree Friends have finally surfaced from the unconscious after so many years.

2007-11-06T03:09:00.000+08:00

"When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep, and you're never really awake."

2007-11-03T19:35:00.000+08:00

I am very happy today because we won the semi-finals, me and Tiffany. We played damn well together today; finals in 2 weeks' time.

It feels good to win man.

2007-10-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

I saw this from the balcony one day.

2007-10-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

My mom's going to the Pennsylvania in USA this Saturday to work. I feel happy for her, but sorry for myself. Happy for her because after 20 odd years of working in the same company she's finally getting some recognition. And I'm very envious! Everything's gonna get paid for and it's winter time there. Sorry for myself because then there'd be no one to cook dinner for me for 2 months. Which is a great ordeal because I only know how to fry eggs. My brother's in China for training too it'd be lonely at home these few months.

//

If I don't think about it I'm okay.

2007-10-22T15:40:00.000+08:00

People go to group therapies, read self-help books, seek counselling, but I am a non-suscriber of such. How do you actually get used to the fact that someone died. Someone you knew so well, flesh and blood, reduced to ashes and splinters of bones.

2007-10-19T21:16:00.000+08:00

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

2007-10-15T08:49:00.000+08:00

My grandma passed away this morning, after 3 days in a coma. In a way it's a kind of liberalisation for her, to be free from the pain she was plagued with since her debilitating stroke 2 years ago.

She was still waving us goodbye when we were leaving after visiting her when she was still conscious. Seeing her in bed when she was comatosed was like watching her in a deep sleep, just that she wouldn't wake up no matter how many times we called her.

She took care of me since I was little and my parents had to go to work, my grandma. I think my grandma's very cool because she played video games like Metal Slug, Mario, Street Fighter on SEGA. And she was good at it. She was an integral part of my childhood, but over the years she slowly moved out of the picture as I grew up.

I guess everyone in the family saw the end coming, including my grandma herself. And suddenly all the memories of the past kept flooding in. My grandma's a Christian, so I should be happy that she's in a better place, but I can't help but feel an overwhelming sense of loss.

I feel sad. :(

2007-10-10T00:46:00.000+08:00

Good things come in pears, I remember he said.
Instead I gave them away.

And then I chased him away.
He hated my indifference.

2007-10-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

At peak hour today I saw a girl crying in the train. She looks like she's in her early twenties. She wasn't bawling or wailing away, not even sobbing. But I saw a tear roll down her face.

I looked around, and nobody seemed to have noticed this girl crying. Or perhaps, like me, they were just pretending not to see it.

And I wonder. How many people secretly cry in the streets, on trains, in buses everyday.

2007-10-07T22:43:00.000+08:00

I first saw Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind in 2004, when it first screened. Back then I didn't really thought much of the show because with my puny brain I couldn't really comprehend nor appreciate what was happening.

I watched it again today. It was like revision, you know when you re-read a textbook and suddenly the concepts just comes clear to you. Or like when you re-read a novel and noticed stuff which you never noticed or paid much attention to. In the same way watching it again made me see this show from a whole different perspective. I could understand and feel the nuances and tones.

This particular dialouge I like alot, when Clementine (Kate Winslet) and Joel (Jim Carrey's) realises that she, along with the rest of the happy times they shared together, are gonna be erased from his memory soon.

Clementine : This is it, Joel. It's gonna be gone soon.
Joel : I know.
Clementine : What do we do?
Joel : Enjoy it.

I like this show.
Wouldn't it be great, if you could really erase a memory.

2007-10-04T00:33:00.000+08:00

I think these are hilarious!
I like the last one best.

2007-09-27T00:51:00.000+08:00

I'm in the middle of Middlesex now, this novel written by Jeffrey Eugenide. I won't be able to forget this author's name because Eugenide makes me think of Eugene. Very much the same way I think of insecticide, spermicide. Oops.

Anyways. There is a passage I really like in the book.

"It was a little like Into The Sands, with Claude Barron, which she'd seen a couple of weeks ago. In that picture Claude Barron enlists in the Foreign Legion because Rital Carrol marries another guy. The other guy turns out to be a cheater and drinker, and so Rita Carrol leaves him and travels out to the desert where Claude Barron is fighting the Arabs. By the time Rita Carrol gets there he's in the hospital, wounded, or not a hospital really but just a tent, and she tells him she loves him and Claude Barron says, "I went into the desert to forget about you. But the sand was the colour of your hair. The desert sky was the color of your eyes. There was nowhere I could go that wouldn't be you." And then he dies."

I don't mind watching a film like that. Where for once, the main actor dies. Where there's no fake happily-ever-after which we know doesn't exist in the real world.

2007-09-20T17:18:00.000+08:00

I started bleeding after reading a book.
No wonder I've been feeling so fat and ugly lately.

2007-09-16T19:13:00.000+08:00

The hardest person in the whole to forgive, is yourself.

//

She's so brave.

2007-09-13T12:49:00.000+08:00

Which of the following best describes Philosophy?

1. The laborious discovery of the obvious.
2. The laborious discussion of the pointless.
3. The art of brainal gymnastics.
4. All of the above.

2007-09-13T08:24:00.001+08:00

I was sleeping when the bed started shaking. It was as if somebody was jumping or pushing at the mattress. And I kept bobbing up and down. I thought I was sleeping on an artery or something, so I flipped to my other side. But I was still bobbing, like on a water bed.

Unable to sleep I opened my eyes to see the hanging light swaying lightly on top of me. Awakened by the same thing my Dad was first to point out it might be an earthquake. Immediately I thought of hiding under the table, but that felt a little stupid. It wasn't like some magnitude 8.5 earthquake! Just weak tremors. Singapore is safe as safe can ever be.

"Singapore is located in an area sandwiched by the Java trench in the west and south, and the Philippine plate and trench in the east. Thus Singapore is located in a seismically stable zone, free from earthquakes. Most of the shallow and bigger earthquakes are in western Sumatra and Java because of the deep subduction zones to the west-east and south-north of the Java trench. Earthquakes that occur near Singapore are usually deep earthquakes and weak."

- National Environment Agency (NEA) of the Ministry of the Environment and Water Resources

Do you know what's the best way to counter an earthquake? Start shaking about so that the effect cancels out.

2007-08-26T12:55:00.000+08:00

The Paradox of Our Age
By Dr. Bob Moorehead

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints. We spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less; we have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, yet less time. We have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge but less judgement; more experts, yet more problems. We have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness; we take more vitamins but see fewer results. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we fly in faster planes to arrive there quicker, to do less and return sooner. We sign more contracts only to realize fewer profits; we talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

We make faster planes, but longer lines; we learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more weapons, but less peace; higher incomes, but lower morals; more parties, but less fun; more food, but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort, but less success. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication. We drive smaller cars that have bigger problems; build larger factories that produce less. We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, but short character; steep profits, but shallow relationships. These are times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; higher postage, but slower mail; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorces; these are times of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, cartridge living, thow-away morality, one night stands, overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer, to prevent, quiet or kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stock room. Indeed, these are the times!

2007-08-22T13:14:00.000+08:00

Kit the Cat

It's so adorable you'll fall in love with it at first sight. It was smelly and dirty when I brought it home, but after giving it a good scrub and shower with lots of scratching and mewing involved, it smelled good. Like SunSilk.

I managed to potty-train the kitten! Now it knows how to climb inside the litterbox when it needs to pee/poo. Kitty poop is so smelly it makes you faint just inhaling it.

Kit Cat is a scaredy cat. It jumps at the slightest noise. But it follows me around, trotting with wobbly steps. And when I stop walking it plays with my toes.

2007-08-16T02:57:00.000+08:00

Close your eyes.
Stretch out your arms,
and tilt 30 degrees to the left.

2007-08-09T23:36:00.000+08:00

Lectures only start next week. And I'm not too enthusiastic about Orientation. The whole process of making friends again is a tedious and laborious one. You can't just click and add add add friends like you do on Friendster. Plus, the older you grow, the higher the wall of self-preservation.

//

Joke of the Day:

A matchstick feels a super itchy itch on his head so he scratches it furiously and suddenly, POOF, his head burst into flames! He was then admitted to the hospital. So, what did he become when he was discharged the next day?

A cotton bud. His whole head was bandaged!

HAHA.

2007-08-07T00:41:00.000+08:00

I read Oryx And Crake by Margaret Atwood recently. Two years ago I gave up reading it after the first chapter because it bored me to tears. But two years later, something must've changed, 'cause I couldn't put the book down. It's a good read, 'cause not everyone can make fun of humanity and get away with it.

//

I wish I can put down in proper words all that's going through my mind - my (ir)rational thoughts, my self-derived conclusions, my theories, everything. Or maybe not. Because then my life would just be defined by 26 alphabets.

I wish there was a "undo" button in life.

2007-08-05T02:36:00.000+08:00

From the bottom of my heart, to you.

Miss Chun

2007-07-22T14:59:00.000+08:00

I had a nightmare yesterday night. It freaked me out so much I didn't dare to go to the toilet even though I was really urgent. For a person my size I wished I had a corresponding capacity for boldness. :/

-

We had a Lotus Clan sleepover on Wednesday night, and I must say it was good! It was nice to see everyone else again and catch up on old times and new. Now that our lives don't overlap anymore it takes even more effort to stay in touch.

I miss the good ol' JC days.

2007-07-14T11:46:00.000+08:00

Being sick is such a miserable thing. I've been down and out the past week, and I've never felt more pathetic. A fever and headache which feels as if something is constantly hammering at your head, and I can't even start to explain how disgusting it was to have your sense of taste warped. Everything tastes bitter, even the water I drink.

I don't like being sick.

2007-06-15T23:34:00.000+08:00

It is very tiring to keep waiting. Especially for something that you know, deep down, wouldn't come. But you continue to live in self-delusion, trying to convince yourself of what's otherwise a very obvious reality.

I only wanted one. ):

2007-06-12T22:05:00.000+08:00

Getting an offer to study Psychology at University of Manchester is really really enticing. New life, new experiences, new friends. It'd be a refreshing change after 10 years of the choking local system.

In other news, we're already halfway through 2007! I think I've chalked up a fair bit of experience at working life. Having to worry about expenses, how to get through each month, is tough work. I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet. And I swear my brain is either shrinking or deteriorating due to the paucity of brain cell stimulating activities. Monotony certainly accelerates the process. Other than simple arithmetic(addition and subtraction!), I have totally zero memory of Complex Numbers, Macluarin's Theorem whatsoever. It's like a virus which completely entirely wiped out everything. It all seems like a vague memory now, those horrid stuff.

I forgot how to think.

2007-03-29T23:31:00.000+08:00

I'm heading to China for a roadtrip this Saturday, for about 2 weeks. We might stop over at Shanghai, probably. I'm quite excited because I've never travelled by train before!

Although I've heard horror tales of the sanitary situation of the public toilets in China, I think we shouldn't measure a country by the condition of their toilets. This isn't a fair basis for comparison because, obviously, with a population exceeding 1,250,000,000 (about 20% of the world population), there's inevitably too much shit and too little toilets, thus accounting for the teeming toilet bowls.

In any case, working non-stop for the past 3 months was really draining and tiring. I'm really looking forward to this long break, but I wish some things were small enough for me to stuff into the luggage to bring along though.

Pee.

2007-03-22T21:49:00.000+08:00

I was relief teaching at ABC Primary School today, and I got called into the vice-principal's office. I don't know why, my stomach started churning, like some conditioned reflex from long ago. I've never had positive feelings about stepping into the vice-principal's or principal's office, for as long as I remember.

I saw her grim, unsmiling face, and I knew it can't be anything to rejoice about. Apparently, I was called into her office for letting the kids watch Looney Tunes in class. I wanted to say something, but bit back my sarcasm. Sarcasm don't get you very far in life, I learnt.

I believe that kids should roam free, not be caged up everyday and force-fed the hard way. After hours and hours of lessons, what's the harm in a few minutes of indulgence. They're only Primary 4! I wanted to tell her about my take on how kids should not be stifled but be allowed space to breathe. How ruling with a cane only presents a false front of order and discipline.

But of course, I didn't. I just nodded along with everything she said.

Sometimes, most times, it saves a lot of trouble and energy if you just went along with the flow, not against the current.

2007-03-12T12:09:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, a snake licked my ear and a mongoose nibbled my toe. Just one of the few perks of working at the Night Safari. And animals are far easier to tolerate than humans, ironically.

My mom says she hardly sees me anymore. We live together in the same house, yet I haven't talked to her in a week. When I come home from work she's asleep, and when she leaves for work in the morning I'm still in slumber. It's after being robbed of the chances to spend time with your family will you then realise how important they actually are in your life. And you realise nothing tastes better than home-cooked food.

Earning money is tough.

2007-03-02T09:32:00.000+08:00

The day of revelation has finally arrived, but oddly, I am void of all emotions. No anxiety breakouts, no excitement nor unease, no distress, no apprehension, no nothing.

Nothing of the escalating sense of foreboding I had prior to the release of the 'O' Level results either.

I begin to wonder if this is the human mind's natural way of self preservation, of preparing itself for the worstest of news. To desensitise itself so that any calamity becomes inconsequential, so that its sanity is guarded.

In many ways, A Levels was, by far the most long-winded and draining and difficult examination I had to sit through in my entire life of existence. It is, therefore, frustrating when people who didn't have to take it say things like "Oh you'll do fine, don't worry" because they don't know the process of preparing for it, and because, as we all know, good does not always beget good; studying for it doesn't necessarily mean you'll definitely do well.

But we'll soon find out. Come what may.

2007-02-22T22:54:00.000+08:00

I think this is the best candy ever. Everybody should try it.

I love White Rabbit sweets.

2007-02-17T01:47:00.000+08:00

Much as I look forward to Chinese New Year, a tiny part of me doesn't want it to arrive so soon. Because, for every beginning, there is an end. And I don't want it to end. Working life gets too routine, shuttling between work places everyday, catching a wink/bite on the move, only to repeat it again the next day. And the next. And the next, and the next. It's never ending.

Some excitement on an otherwise normal and boring morning - I picked up a $50 note in the bus today. I don't know why but my first instincts was to give it to the bus driver. This is an irreversible action, obviously, because I cannot possibly ask for it back. But throughout the entire journey, the more I thought about it, the more distressed I became because I didn't think handing the money to the bus driver was such a good idea anymore. I'm now convinced that he had, henceforth, pocketed the money. My friend said I'm stupid. ):

I've learnt my lesson, and the next time I pick up another $50, I know what I'll do.

(Keep it for myself, haha!)

2007-02-07T10:32:00.000+08:00

This is a photo of my office, where I work every night.

Actually, working at the Night Safari is tough. Everyone expects perfection, nothing less. It is, after all, "The world's first night time zoo". Every move I make is scrutinized, there's hardly space to breathe. Sometimes, or most of the time, the people there go past the point of being unreasonable. I've never encountered such a large exhibition of ridiculousness. My friend said I can’t blame them, because given the long hours they spend with animals, they are inevitably influenced, one way or another. He made some sense, and so now I feel sorry for them. Them poor things.

Oh I'm handling the snakes now. Most people have the misconception that it‘s slimy and wet, but it‘s actually dry and smooth. It feels good to have them wrap around your neck, cool scales against warm-blooded neck. Even after I take them off, I feel their imprints. It’s like swimming for a long time, then coming out and feeling heavy when you walk on land after being buoyant in the water. I like it when they slither up you, sniffing you out with their tongue. It tickles. And do you know that boa constrictors give birth to baby snakes instead of laying eggs. Soooo cute.

This is a picture of Prince, a red-tailed boa constrictor.

I like being with animals. Animals are too simple to be hypocrites. Nor do they backstab you.

Humans are the greater evil.

2007-01-22T09:09:00.000+08:00

Relief teaching back at my primary school made me feel nostalgic. It was surprising to know most of the teachers who taught me still recognise me, even as they grapple with old age. I used to think teaching back at my primary school would be too close for comfort, especially working alongside teachers whom you once feared. Maybe I was just afraid the same old fear would resurface. But I was just being paranoid. I could see the pride in their eyes when I told them they had once taught me. It feels weird to talk to them as a fellow colleague because 10 years ago they were towering over me, and now I've outgrown them. Or have they shrunk. Eitherway, to me, they'll always be my teachers, not colleagues.

That aside, I actually enjoy teaching. I didn't know there was so much shouting involved though, especially when you're dealing with a whole class of hyperactive 8 year olds. It can be exasperating, when they refuse to listen and start making a racket. Some students are really nice and obedient, behaving like good little children should. But some are like little devils. Many times I feel like just grabbing them by the collar and shoving them into the cupboard at the back of the classroom. No wonder the teaching pay is good, considering the high risk of insanity.

Days like these fly by - I wake up in the morning for relief teaching when schools call me, then head to work at Night Safari after. And on my off days I teach tuition. It makes me feel like I've used my time well, tiring though it is.

If you ask me which I prefer, studying or working, I have yet to draw any conclusions. Working is hard, but so it studying. Working is fun, but so it school.

Therein lies the paradox.

2007-01-09T11:52:00.000+08:00

The past few days were hectic but fun. I'm working at the Night Safari now for the Show Department and learning more things than I thought I would. It's hard at first, because I knew nothing about nothing and everyone is always on the move, in a rush for time, so no one could stop and explain what or how I should go about doing things. People are so tightly strung that the tension is unimaginable. Anything said or done wrongly might trigger an unwanted outburst.

The lousy thing about working for a company is having to put up with erratic moods of those above you, be meek and smile at everything when all you wanna do is make some sarcastic remark (and get fired). Rawr.

But nevertheless, it's an enjoyable employment. You get to go up close to the "creatures of the night", feed the animals, work behind the scenes, make friends with tribal people, talk to people of all nationalities. And I learnt how to use a walkie-talkie! The first time I used it I went "hello hello", and I got blasted for it because I'm supposed to use professional walkie-talkie lingo like "send over", "come in come in", "roger". Whatever.

And the best part is I don't have to work in an office, at all. I like this job.

2007-01-09T04:14:00.000+08:00

You know how sometimes you get used to a constant droning, or a constant buzzing in the background, that you don't realise consciously that it's there anymore. And when the droning or buzzing suddenly stops, you're suddenly aware it's gone because of the silence that takes over.

An emptiness magnified.

2007-01-01T10:29:00.000+08:00

So the new year has arrived. I watched 2006 fade away as 2007 slowly take form, not as a reveler, but a bystander. The last moments and the first moments, stood out more than all those years of partying. I don't mind more transitions like that.

The past year was eventful, both big and small. Would I have made different decisions? Lived anything otherwise? Said things I didn't? I think not.

Without regrets.

I know not what the future holds, but I know the present is a gift.

(So corny! Haha!)

2006-12-20T15:52:00.000+08:00

I have returned, very much alive, from the Philippines.

The dental/medical outreach was quite popularly received; we worked 3 full days giving dental and medical services to the people of the village. We were at Quezon City, somewhere in Manila. It's actually an urban village, not those rural villages with cows and chickens and no electricity. That I shall blog about more at a later date.

Of the local food, I won't say I love it, but I did enjoy it. There was this local snack I tried. It's called balot. They sell for 10 peso each. That's about S$0.30.

To the clueless, balots are boiled duck eggs. Except that there's a duckling inside, a few days short of hatching. At the insistence of my Filipino friends, I decided to try it. It took much mustering of courage before I could bring myself to even hold the egg.

This, was how it looked like after the shell is peeled away. The yellow bag it's hugging is the yolk sac. It's disgusting, just the thought of eating this poor little thing which could (and would) have developed into a cute little duckling. But food is food is food. Since it has already sacrificed it's little life, I must do justice to it's death by eating it.

It was, surprisingly, quite edible, and unexpectedly tasty! So I finished the entire egg. I was told it was very nutritious and good for the body, especially the knees(?). It's not so bad actually, it tasted like chicken. :) Just that the feathers get stuck to your teeth after, and when you rinse your mouth you see all the feather remains.

Yum yum.

2006-12-11T16:10:00.000+08:00

I recently just found out I have an Australian-Chinese cousin. She's my mom's cousin, actually. So what do I call her? Aunt-cousin? Auntie? Anyways, we just came back from a trip together to Kuala Lumpur with our extended family and I must say it was quite fun! Rooming with my new-found cousin was loads of fun. Because she's near my age, just slightly older, we were able to talk like friends. And she bargains like nobody's business. We almost got whacked by the hawkers at Chinatown, I had to drag her away to safety. Nevertheless, it was great discovering I have another cousin. I'll probably fly over to her house in Australia next year to visit. Then I can save on accomodation and food. Haha. Just kiddin'.

I leave for Philippines in 15 hours. It's a medical/dental/educational missions trip, with my church. I really have no idea what are the conditions over there. Malaria? Typhoons?

I go in faith.

2006-12-05T18:30:00.000+08:00

Prom was okay. Nothing unusual or spectacular, just the usual prom. Quite forgettable, save that one sweet, fleeting moment; swept me off my feet.

Post prom was fun. But too clean, in my opinion. And it was my first time clubbing. T'was quite amusing to see people whom I've always known to be study freaks at the dance floor doing their thang. Watching some people made me wanna laugh out loud, but that wasn't a very nice thing to do eh. Maybe they were secretly laughing at me too(!). I used to think clubbin' was one of those vices that only bad girls who don't listen to their mamas do. Used to. It intoxicates.

I'm a convert.

Attraction.

2006-12-04T02:51:00.000+08:00

"People hide their truest natures. I understood that; I even applauded it. What sort of world would it be if people bled all over the sidewalks, if they wept under trees, smacked whomever they despised, kissed strangers, revealed themselves? Keep a cloack, that was fine, the thing to do; present a disguise, the ouside you, the one you want people to believe."

from The Ice Queen, by Alice Hoffman

It was a sad but beautiful novel, I felt.

It's Decemeber already. Actually, 2 years in JC is just right. 1 year's too short, 3 year's too long. 2 is just right. Not too long for too deep an attachment to form, not too short to make only acquaintances.

It feels scary to grow up. I'm not ready for the world yet. I don't wanna grow up.

Won't you look at me baby.

2006-11-24T09:49:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning thinking I had to study. And then I suddenly remembered it's over. That for the next half a year or so I wouldn't have to mug like there's no tomorrow, not if I can help it.

A friend mentioned feeling indifferent after his papers, and I told him any normal person would feel ecstatic. It seems I'm abnormal then, because I didn't feel any sense of elation, just an inward relief that I won't have to go through that insane mugging process again, not anytime soon, at least.

People ask what are my plans. After reading that previous article on sleeping, or how the lack of it makes you fat and stupid, I have decided to embark on a mission to undo that effect. I wouldn't say I totally buy the article, but in any case, it's always better to be safe than sorry isn't it.

I got a lovely surprise a few days back. It's one of those memory which you keep carefully locked up in a special place, then retrieve it once in a while to relive that instant, smile at the memory, replay it and try to convince yourself that it actually happened.

Never in my wildest dreams. :):)

2006-11-21T03:53:00.000+08:00

Found this article while surfing around:

LACK OF SLEEP MAKES YOU FAT AND STUPID
A lack of sleep makes you "fat, stupid and sick", according to German scientists.

Sleep researcher Professor Juergen Zulley from the Regensburg University Hospital in Bavaria said: "It makes you stupid because suffering from sleep deficiency diminishes your memory. Sick, because too little sleep can damage your heart, circulation, stomach and intestines. And fat because while we are sleeping our bodies release a hormone that reduces appetite.

"If the release of this hormone is interrupted because we are not getting a full night's sleep then we quickly feel hungry which causes most people to head straight to the fridge," he said.

He added in order to stay fit and healthy people should regularly have seven hours sleep a night.

Oh man. No wonder.

2006-11-20T20:41:00.000+08:00

After watching Princess Hours, often I find myself lapse into bouts of daydreaming sessions while studying for exams. And when I jolt back to reality from my reverie, I find myself smiling like a nut, just short of drooling. C'mon, who doesn't harbour hope of a Mr. Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet, whisking you away to a happily ever after.

At least I'm honest!

2006-11-18T23:43:00.000+08:00

Just some photos I found from last year's trip.
Kids are adorable. I'd like to have 5 (or more) of my own next time.

2006-11-16T20:34:00.000+08:00

Recently, I've observed a highly disturbing behaviour that I have.

Everytime I'm near exams, or in the midst of an exam, when time is crucial (every waking moment should be spent studying), I will be plagued by this ridiculous need to do mindless things like flip through old photos, read past year journal entries, pack my wardrobe.

Like, helloooooooo?!

It's A Levels? You can't even finish mugging and here you are repacking your old novels. You have a major paper tomorrow and here you are going through your neoprints.

What is wrong with me!

Funny how when I had all the time in the world I never bothered to even fold my clothes or clean the room. Why now! I'll feel this sudden unfathomable need to do some trivial thing. And it feels wrong to not do it. I NEED to rearrange all my stickers in my stickerbook(?!). I NEED to open every Christmas card I received(?!?!).

I suspect I am suffering from a behavioral disorder or something. I need a shrink.

2006-11-15T19:38:00.000+08:00

It feels good to be able to read the first page of national news and totally understand what it is about.

"GST will go up to 7 per cent"
The Straits Times , Tuesday, 14 November 2006

From those Economics lessons, boring as they were, I must admit it helped me to better appreciate - okay maybe not appreciate because as a consumer who wants higher prices - I can better understand what an imposition of indirect tax is trying to achieve.

Fiscal policies. Fund public expenditure. Regressive tax. Widen tax base. Lower direct/corporate tax. I feel almost... clever, intellectual. Like I'm ready to engage in clever adult discussions on government policies and politics. Ha.

Okay so maybe what we're learning in school is not so no-sense after all.

So I'm down to my last 3 papers. They say time flies when you're having fun. It's flying, but I sure am not having much fun mugging my brains out.

And I've found the best place in school to do last minute revisions before any major paper. Inconceivably, and disgustingly, the loo. Admittedly, it's not the nicest smelling of places, but within that four walls nothing distracts, no irritating friend on the verge of a nervous breakdown, no sudden panic seizure when you hear your friends discussing topics you've never heard of your entire JC lectures and tutorials, yeah.

I find it easier to focus and concentrate on what I'm reading, of all places. And it has served me well. So stop laughing at me, you reader.

I'm living in the future, because my mind keeps wandering forwards. But once upon a time I was living in the past, when the mind dwells on events transpired and refuses to move on.

2006-11-11T00:38:00.000+08:00

I thought your explanation was rather weak.

I'm glad Math is over. My puny little brain can't process more than 4 digits at the same time. 2 more weeks of insanity, and it's goodbye.

I came across this necklace I thought I lost. Which reminded me of the watch. Everytime I wear it I think of you.

I love thunderstorms. Does that make me a pessismist. Pessist. Pest.

Incoherence is a symptom of lunacy is it not.

2006-10-14T11:25:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been having dizzy spells. They don't usually last long, but in that split second, the world starts to swim, and everything around you seems to have turned upside down. It kinda reminds me of waking up after they shot me with ketamine when I went to the hospital the other time. It's the same feeling, just less pronounced. The fatal effects of studying. Ha.

So, the annual haze pandemic has hit Singapore once again. It was quite nice, I thought; calmed, I felt. But that's, of course, before it started to turn nasty into a stinging acrid smog. It took awhile for me to recognise that familiar smell, when the haze first settled. The heavy air. There was something lingering that I couldn't pick up, like it was trying to fish out a hidden memory. Then, as if it was always there, the memories resurfaced. Of primary school days, hopscotch, spelling tests and PE lessons. The evocative power of your sense of smell. I believe the happenings of this year will also weave itself onto the haze, to be fished out again like pulling an anchor out of water when it visits again next year.

Till then.

___

Much as a blog serves as an avenue of expression, the flip side of it is it gives people a sense of pseudo closeness.

2006-09-21T02:55:00.000+08:00

I was so afraid, that they'd be right, that she'd be right. I want to prove them wrong. I want them to know that they made a mistake. I want to show them it's all a lie.

Now I wonder if I'm the one who made the mistake.

I am a living lie.
I am living a lie.

2006-09-17T17:12:00.000+08:00

Things To Do After Prelims

1. Study (HAHA)

2. Sleep

3. Waste an entire day stoning and not feel guilty.

4. Find my sanity.

5. Start having a life again.

2006-08-31T13:54:00.000+08:00

Resisting every stumble; I'm afraid of falling headlong down the unknown spiral.

But it seems a futile battle.

2006-08-27T00:10:00.000+08:00

I dislocated my elbow yesterday.

The first thought that came to me was this can't be happening, not to me at least. Everything was so surreal, I remember wondering if it was a dream. I have never, in my entire life of sporting experience, ever had any major accidents. No sprains, no tear, no shock -- a clean record.

I remember falling from midair, remember breaking the fall with my left arm. I remember feeling something dislodge, remember seeing my lower arm dangling at an awkward angle. I remember attempting to adjust it back using my right hand, remember finally collapsing on the baked netball court, incapable of moving, the bright sun shining into my eyes.

My classmates surrounded me, peering, looks of concern, of sympathy, of helplessness. T'was funny how at that point in time, I knew the extent of the damage. I knew I needed the hospital, an ambulance. I just wished they could hurry, 'cause it hurt like hell. It annoyed me a little to know that in the entire school population nobody knew what to do.

I didn't know what I was doing, lying there on the ground. We took class pictures, joked around, laughed, and took more pictures. And all the time, the pain was killing me, eating me up. I tried to hold my breath to alleviate it, tried to think of happy thoughts, but all that flooded my mind was the dinner I was gonna miss.

It seemed like a million years before the paramedics finally arrived. I never felt more relief. I was wrapped up and sent to Alexandra. I talked to the medics, the nurses, the doctors, the radiologists, if only to distract myself from the pain, and keep my sanity. They sedated me with ketamine(to shut me up, probably), and almost immediately, everything started swimming around me, and I was gone.

When I regained a little consciousness, the pain wasn't there anymore, but the world was whirling and I remember slurring about neurones, dendrites and action potentials before I fell asleep again. When I finally woke up, my head was still spinning. My arm was in a cast, but the pain was completely gone.

I wanted to get out of that place, wanted to get back to life. Couldn't be happier to leave, save a little sad I had to leave the new friends I made there.

I guess I have to be thankful it's not my writing arm that was injured. But nevertheless, I just hope it heals fast, heals well.

It's tough to get used to doing things single-handedly. It never occured to me how much my hands cooperate everyday. Now I'm down to one, I have to get used to mono-tasking, of doing things a rate slower. I need a new arm.

Lend a hand, anyone?

2006-08-10T11:59:00.000+08:00

I never knew it's possible to walk from Cineleisure all the way back to school in Bukit Timah Road. And if not for the deadly hours, I'd have continued walking all the way home.

Revisiting the past, I realised there are many things I covered up. Just conveniently swept them under the carpet so that I won't have to see them again. Out of sight, out of mind. Effectively squashed and suffocated them, if only to keep them silent.

An entangled mess that gets harder and harder to straighten when left to the devices of time.

2006-08-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

It's funny, and scary at the same time, to see the sudden surge in popularity of Jing Xian Library. Overnight, it seemed the hottest and coolest place to hang out after school. Even my favourite place in the whole wide world, the PRC Corner, seemed to be almost always fully occupied.

Quite annoying.

The library should give out membership cards or something for loyal members to enjoy privileges like reserved seats. Or just the authority to oust a non-member out of a spot.

I love the PRC corner. Though a little small, in that tiny cubicle, everything and everyone else is shut out. The outside world can be bombing each other out but in that space, it's just you and yourself. And your books of course. Like a little fort. Some find it claustrophobic, I think it otherwise. There's freedom in privacy.

Living like a recluse.

____________

I saw the look of horror/confusion/shock/dismay on your face. I'm not entirely sure which one is it; maybe a little of everything, but it haunted me for awhile.

2006-07-29T21:10:00.000+08:00

It was an eventful week.

I feel... sorta traumatised. Ok maybe it's too strong a description, I don't know what's the right word to use. Y'know like, sometimes when you're not directly involved in something, but witnessing it leaves you reeling, almost like you had been part of it, but in actual fact, you're not. Just a bystander.

Such a weird feeling.

2006-07-20T18:40:00.000+08:00

You two-faced lying piece of shit.

Jerk.
I hate you.

2006-07-02T01:12:00.000+08:00

Finally finished the VAS Beach Volleyball Tournament 2006 today, after continuing from the previous weekend, which is, very coincidentally, the weekend before block tests. So you can imagine how much I studied, or didn't study. Anyways this year's tournament wasn't as pumped up as last year's, I feel. The organisers weren't very efficient, I must say.

That aside, we won the finals for the U21 Women's 2-on-2! :D Love the beach volleying season man, the sand, the sun, the sea, but most of all, the game itself. It's down to a mental game, really. How you wear your opponent out, how you use the natural elements of wind direction, sun position to your advantage, how you read their moves. But though we won, I must say we're still the amatuers of amatuers, not good enough. Nevertheless we're still young eh.

The fun thing about beach volleyball tournaments is it's impossible not to make new friends. The local volleyball circle is so small that you probably had seen each other at one time or another, and probably will see each other again. So I made new friends. With the sunblock auntie too! She's always at the sunblock sample booth and she helped me apply 1 000 000 layers of sunblock lotion, else I know not what would become of me.

And I had a reason to smile today. (:

2006-06-29T18:05:00.000+08:00

If there is no sense of elation after an exam, it just speaks volumes about how much you've prepared for it eh. I've never sat for an exam as unprepared as this time round. I can't say I didn't study, but the thing about studying is, it's classified into studying and effective studying. It's obvious which class I belong to. Bleah.

Every decision made is something else given up. Every yes is a no to something else. I haven't been making the wisest of decisions, but regret will be the last thing I allow.

2006-06-14T10:41:00.000+08:00

Of all the things to say.

2006-06-01T19:58:00.000+08:00

In my prolonged absence, many an event have transpired. To chronologically recount them individually would be unthinkable, a torture to myself, and readers (if any, hehh).

But this is one event I cannot miss telling. :D

I never knew we could get that far, really. When we first started out I wasn't even sure of getting past the quarters. It was tough, all the trainings after school, during school, before school. And worst of all there wasn't any marked improvements; no sign of progress. The season was an uphill climb, sometimes vertical sometimes gentle, but nonetheless culminating at the National Schools Volleyball Finals.

I think Toa Payoh Sports Hall is like, the epitome of sporting success among student athletes. For as long as I remember this was my dream, our dream. To come so far, I think if we just settled for runners' up we'd be shortchanging ourselves. The school was not exactly very supportive, but aye, support or no support, it didn't really matter in the end. It was enough to know that people were behind us, morally if not spiritually. :)

So we ended this sesaon on the highest peak we could ever reach, the champions. It felt good to bring home the trophy triumphant, to the applause of the school.

The high lasted for a few days, but the memories last forever.

2006-04-17T21:25:00.000+08:00

Today is the worst day of my life.

Something very terrible happened. So bad, I wished I can disappear from the face of the earth. Wished I could fly far far away and never come back. So bad, I wished I never was.

I knocked into a rubbish bin today. If it was just a normal bump it'd still be OK. But the stupid rubbish bin just had to keel over and fall down! And it didn't really help that it was in the middle of the canteen when almost the entire school population has the same stupid common break?! The canteen is like, teeming with people, a thousand pair of eyes.

I was just talking to my friend and walking backwards, and I felt myself bump into something, and the next thing I knew when I turned around, there was this loud explosion(BOM!). And I mean loud explosion! This rubbish bin which appeared out of nowhere lost balance, and just fell on its side. It'd be not so bad if it had just fallen on its side, I'd just put it back up again, but NO, the stupid swinging lid just had to come off and roll away too(bom bom bom) a few metres away.

The worst thing was the sound. It was so loud, the freaking explosion-like BOM, it made everyone stop eating to look. And for a while a thousand pair of eyes was on me. Me. The girl who KO-ed the rubbish bin.

And momentarily, I was stunned, mouth agape. Too shocked for words. Too shocked for action. I just stood there facing the fallen rubbish bin, while the entire world looked at me facing the rubbish bin. Can you the imagine the horror! It's like a nightmare lah!

I wanted to die I tell you. I never, ever felt so embarrassed my whole entire life. I've banged into worse things, but a rubbish bin?! What have I done to deserve this...! :(

I couldn't possibly run away with the thousand pairs of onlooking eyes, so I did what I had to do. I helped it up. And put it's nice little swinging lid back on. But NO, it just had to rub salt to wound. The stupid bin. I swear it was taking revenge. When I nicely placed it's stinking swinging lid back on, it just had to dislodge and fall right into the bin itself! (BOM!) Another explosion which made more people turn and look. At that point of time I really wished the ground could swallow me up. :( You can't imagine the mental agony. The humiliation! The shame! I wished I could just disappear.

While walking (as fast as I could) out of the canteen I heard people giggling and laughing, the comments I heard, oh man, I can't even put them down in words. I wished I had that flash pen thing the Men In Black agents use to erase people's memory.

I contemplated taking OCP (out-of-campus pass) to escape home for refuge, but what would I write as the reason for leaving school?! Argh. Now, whenever I hear giggling I imagine people whispering behind my back, finger pointing, laughing at me.

And while walking around school just now I had >2 friends coming up to me to ask about me and the rubbish bin. WTH?! Nowadays news spread like wildfire man! :( Bad news, to be exact.

Rawr it's all the stupid stupid rubbish bin's fault. So feeble and weak it can't even take a little knock.

I hate rubbish bins. Rahhhhh!

2006-03-26T00:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder why I even bother at all.

2006-03-15T23:30:00.000+08:00

Much as I would like to believe otherwise, I don't have the capacity to be that accommodating. The opening is too narrow, the particles too imposingly large.

Nothing really gets through.

By choice and not by chance.

I would like to block out everything, because you can't get infected if you don't breathe. Why expose your Archilles' heel, and expose yourself to destruction?

It's a dangerous and treacherous world.

2006-03-12T13:01:00.000+08:00

I like people-watching.

Especially on long journeys home on the MRT, I like to observe passengers - their fashion sense (or lack thereof, =X), their facial expressions, their little actions, and what each might possibly mean. I'd try to imagine what type of houses they live in, what kind of lives they lead, what type of personality they have. It's quite fun, really.

Sometimes, time consuming as it is, I like to sit down and watch people pass by, especially in busy junctions. You know the feeling of watching the rest of the world rushing about, but yet you remain a passive spectator, uninvolved in this mad whirlpool of activities.

But of course this hobby is not without its perils. For one, prolonged staring at some people (especially ahbengs and the likes), might provoke offense and result in undesirable consequences.

Alot go through my mind all the time, and much as I'd like to put it all down in words or otherwise, it's inadequate to express them accurately, due to lack of abilities perhaps.

Sometimes, I talk to myself (mentally of course). OK maybe not sometimes, but all the time. Not because there is no one else to talk to, but because... hmm I don't think there's a need for me to offer any explanations; it's just a personal choice.

They key is to know how to cover your eccentricities well.

2006-03-04T00:07:00.000+08:00

I lost another uniform, my skirt. And I'm quite positive somebody stole it OK. Because I left it on the hand dryer to go to the toilet cubicle, and when I came out less than 1 minute later it was gone. G-O-N-E.

I could almost feel the empty space there mocking at me.

I was fuming mad lah. I stomped out of the toilet but there was no one in sight? Ran up and down but saw no one either. I was so angry I wanted to murder somebody (much as it goes against the 10 commandments :S). It's just a stinky old skirt, crumpled and smelly, who in all their sanity will want to kope it!

What makes it all the more maddening is it's the 3rd piece of uniform I've lost within a month lah! And I refuse to buy another set. Not when I have less than a year left of school. So whatever I'm wearing now is not mine, and the skirts are either too small or too large.

So if you see me in school, don't ask. Jusssssst don't ask. Rah.

2006-02-21T20:23:00.000+08:00

I've been feeling out of sorts the past 2 days... just not myself.

I've had butterflies in my tummy all day, and I feel light. Weightless sensations, floaty. Surreal. I can't find an adequate word. And I'm pretty sure my cold hands does not owe to the air-conditioning of the lecture halls.

The worst thing is I've lost my appetite. Something which has never happened before. Now the thought of lunch or food doesn't even excite me anymore. I don't feel happy eating. I don't even feel like eating. :( Full because of all the butterflies in my tummy ah.

I am not sure if what is affecting me is what I THINK is affecting me.

Rahhhhh. I wish I had an inkling.

2006-02-14T22:08:00.000+08:00

Today is Valentine's Day.

It felt more of a friendship-day kind of day to me though. Probably because of all the small little gifts like self-baked cookies, cards, candles, chocolates (hey notice the alliteration!) and stuff like that I got from my friends. Mostly female though(not that I mind lah, haha). Nevertheless, my secret wish of getting heart-shaped helium balloons was granted! That small gesture was enough to make me smile into space like a retard in the middle of lecture for no apparent reason, when all my friends are furiously copying notes. Thank you! ;) I love floating balloons.

After school Cheryl, Shimin and me went to Swensens at Plaza Singapura (courtesy of Shimin), and were greeted by couples strolling hand in hand on the streets. Greeted is an understatement man. We were bombarded all around by couples, more likely. It seems everywhere we go, every direction we turn, a couple will be ready to pounce on us. I admit it did feel a little odd, us three girls in the middle of Swensens, surrounded by hanging heartshaped balloons and couples staring into each other's eyes, sharing ice-cream, whatever else that couples do on dates.

What's the big deal about Valentine's Day anyways! You don't wait for Vday to show love mah, so why must everyone wait till this day to bring their dates to Swensens and cram up the entire place. Rahhh.

And I am not complaining OK. Just airing my grievances, for lack of a better description. I asked Kep why is he swimming with his brother on valentine's day(I didn't believe it initially though), and he said it's not because he doesn't have a date, but to wait for something better. It made sense to me. And I think I agree.

Found this quote on the net and I think it's quite nice:

"The laws of gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." -Albert Einstein

And I love this quote from the Bible:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Beautiful.

2006-02-07T22:05:00.000+08:00

I screwed up the one single point that mattered most. That one single try that would mean the finals of the Inter CT Touch Rugby competition. We only needed that one ball to win. And I screwed it up. :(:( I just had to put the ball down but I dropped it. DROPPED it at the try-line. Happiness.

You know the worst feeling in the world is the "could have".
We could have won. ):

2006-02-02T21:17:00.000+08:00

Of all the things to lose, I lost my uniform.

I left it in the toilet for a while, and when I went back to collect it, a single strip of disgusting toilet paper was all that was left where I placed it. I could only look on with outraged disbelief at the fact that any NORMAL person would want to kope a uniform. C'mon man, if I left a gleaming $2 note there I won't be surprised if it was gone, but a uniform?! A (probably) smelly uniform worn for already a year!?

Who in their correct frame of mind will ever want to steal a uniform man!

I refuse to buy a new set. And I will embark on a search tomorrow because I strongly believe that whoever has it will return it, that man (or woman) is not inherently evil.

Rahhh! Of all the losable things to lose!

This sucks. ):

2006-01-27T22:14:00.000+08:00

It's hard to imagine that this year is my 12th year of schooling, and my last year of core curriculum. It's even harder to accept the fact that I'm officially a Year 2 student now, and probably, I say probably (or maybe?), the Year 1 students will look on in awe and admiration at me like I did some of the seniors when I was a junior. Now that's a nice thought. :D

It's scary how the years go a-rolling. It seems the days are long, but the years are short, you know what I mean? During lessons it seems seconds seem to dragggg, but years will just slip past without you even realising. And I am going to be 18 this year. The legal age for alcohol and M-18s... but that is not the point lah. It's THE important year, the A Levels year, the do-or-die year. No more playing around or last minute chiong-ing for exams. Even now, in January only, I can feel just the teeny weeny bit of stress which will, no doubt, multiply as the months go by. Now that's a scary thought. :(

Yesterday night we had the usual once a year Nanyang B Division 2003 team reunion dinner at Crystal Jade Kitchen at the Takashimaya basement. It seemed only yesterday when we were still playing as a team on court. Nevertheless it was good catching up with people whom played a part in building nice memories from a special time in my life. Afterwhich we adjorned to the fountain at Ngee Ann City to take crazy pictures (posing as superheroes, among other insanities).

I like reunions, even though it's only once a year (it's supposed to be once a year anyways what). It's less of seeing how much our friends have changed, but more of how much we ourselves have changed.

But most things, most people, still stay the same. :)

2005-12-26T19:33:00.000+08:00

Forgot to mention that for the beach volleyball tournament finals which I missed, my team came in champion! :D For that we each got a pair of Killer Loop shades, a gold medal, and cash prize! Anyways, here continues my Cambodia experience:

13-14 Dec, Tuesday - Wednesday
We passed by more padi fields today, some like a golden sea because it's harvesting season. And I really got to see for myself how kampong life is like, with all the pigs, wild chickens and ducks, cows, buffaloes, dogs and such.

So for the second and third day the routine was the same as that of the first, reading prescriptions and dispensing medicine, except that this time round, I went to work armed with balloons. I realised there are quite a number of child patients, and most of the time they enter the makeshift clinic/hut with trepidation. So thus began my part time job as a balloon sculpturer. I tell you I wouldn't exchange anything in the world to see the shy smiles on the children's faces when I give them the balloon flowers, balloon swords, balloon swans, balloon dogs, whichever it was. Balloons are such a rarity in the village! Everything is so dull there, so brown, including the children - their skin, their clothes, and they run around barefooted. Any bright colours, though stark in contrast, attract the children's attention immediately. It seems balloons add colour to their life, literally. And metaphorically. They simply love balloons! :D

And for today I added more vocab to my meagre knowledge of the Khmer language! All credit goes to the new friends I made! They're the youth volunteers from the church helping us out with taking blood pressure, body temperature and personal details of the villagers as they queue up. Ean, Watana, Ratanak, Socheat, Sreymom and Sayha, all older than me by 1-2 years. I really enjoyed talking to them, though it was more like chickens and ducks trying to communicate - difficult, but hilarious all the same! (Their English is like my Khmer, but only better.)

I wonder if I learn more Khmer, will I lose or forget what little I know of the Thai language? The translator actually exclaimed surprised at how fast I picked up Khmer! I can now (effectively!) explain to the Cambodian villagers the daily dosage of their medicine. :D It's quite simple, really. A gift from God, maybe? If so, it may unravel a little of His will for me. :)

And I think I'm getting used to toilets without flush in the village, if they're considered a proper toilet at all. They don't bother me as much any more, as compared to a year ago.

15 Dec, Thursday
We organised a Christmas concert for the 88 orphans of Hope Village today. I don't know what kind of effect we had on them, but the educational team, the teachers (for this trip there were 2 teams, the teachers and the doctors), managed to teach them all the Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). For children whose only knowledge of English is numbers and alphabets, I must say that's quite a feat! Like what one of the teacher had said, it is our prayer that the seed has been planted in their hearts, but it's up the the Cambodian caretakers to bring them up in the Lord, because only the people understand their own language.

Here I must mention the mosquitoes! There are soooo many of them here it's scary. Especially when night falls, they attack in the veil of the dark. In swarms. The toilets are the worst. They lay in dark corners and with any movement they attack. It's like a ripple effect, everytime I push open a door, a seemingly ripple of mosquitoes will take flight. It's terrifying I tell you. I've got so many bites on my legs I think collectively I lost an ounce of blood. Such is the extremity of the situation.

16 Dec, Friday
The time has come for us to leave Hope Village. Our task is done, our mission complete. With reluctant hearts we left the province of Prey Veng, once again on the same bumpy ride to Phnom Penh. This time round the journey seemed shorter though, and more bearable.

That evening, we had 2 choices - it was either shopping or attending a Cambodian youth service in a church. And being one of the youngest on this trip, naturally I was "volunteered" to represent the team to attend. Much as I like shopping, I have no regrets attending the service! 'Cause I made more new friends! :D I really enjoy meeting youths from other countries and talking to them. After the sermon (in Khmer of which I only caught a word or two, otherwise pretending to understand), I had the chance to talk to some of the youths, and they're really nice and friendly! :D We had a few good laughs among other significant happenings (hehh) but time was too short because soon we had to leave. Managed to exchange emails though, and even took a picture with one of them on his cameraphone :D Ah but our meeting was shortlived. I was whisked away because we had a schedule to follow. I really hope to, want to know them more, know them better, but I guess, if God allows it, we'll meet again somehow, some day.

17 Dec, Saturday
So today we head back to Singapore. This trip has been so much more than what I expected it to be. I really thank God that He called me to this trip (till today I marvel at how He answered my prayer!) because I learned so much about myself. I really enjoy being around children, making them happy, and meeting new friends, talking to people of other nationalities, in both English and broken Khmer (if indeed language is my thing at all).

God has also opened my eyes to the field of medical missions, to the needs of the villagers so poor they've never been to any doctor their whole life. Physically they suffer from so many complications - we've seen AIDS, tuberculosis, pneumonia, uncontrollable bladders after childbirth, eye infections so severe it has to be taken out, a weird syndrome of the skin stretching till it hurts to even breathe, piles, blood infection, diabetes, so many so many - and spiritually they suffer even more. Only God can provide the healing they so desperately need. We are but the workers. Yet it is as said by Jesus, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few" (Matt 9:37). Much needs to be done, but there are not enough people to help these people.

After this trip, I am all the more affirmed about what I want to do in life. It gave me a clear goal to work towards.

Yet not my will, but Yours.

The beautiful padi fields we passed by.

Me and Sharon the doctor attempting to take a picture with the village kids.

My full time job dispensing medicine and explaining daily dosages.

My part time job as a balloon sculpturer.

Distributing Vitamins to children passing by after school.

The brown-ness of it all.

Cost of a balloon: 20 cents.

Cost of a smile: priceless.

2005-12-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

This was my first Christmas in Singapore after 2 years of spending it in an orphanage in Chiang Mai, and I have to admit, I did feel a little lost. Every where I go, the lights were a little too bright, the blaring carols a little too merry. Everything was just so... Overdone.

Christmas Eve night, as I sat in church, I couldn't help but think about the people in Thailand, the children of the orphanage, the villagers I formed an attachment to... I wished I was back there spending Christmas with them, sharing God's love through even the smallest action of a hug or smile, instead of being wedged between ornately dressed people on a pew, exchanging hurried greetings of 'merry christmas' with nary a second thought to what it really means. I actually felt uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in my own church, among fellow Singaporean brothers and sisters in Christ, uncomfortable in a place as familiar as home should be.

To my horror, without warning, tears stung my eyes. What am I doing here? I felt lost, unsure, yet at the same time couldn't be more certain that this is not where God wants me to be, for this Christmas, for the next, and for more Christmases to come.

I didn't have any money that night for the offering. With nothing in my pocket to offer God, I gave Him the only thing I had left, yet I know not whether it's of any worth for a King...

I gave God my heart.

2005-12-24T23:32:00.000+08:00

Actually I've been back for a week already, since last Saturday, but I kinda kept putting off blogging, with fatigue and jetlag (Singapore and Cambodia has quite a significant time difference ok!) as reasons (or excuses, hehh). But anyways, it was a great trip, a whole new learning experience - about God, about medical missions, about doctors, about village kids, about myself.

10 Dec, Saturday
This trip started off with a bang, literally. I almost missed my flight! Eating a hurried breakfast at Mac's with my friends only to discover the rest of the group had already checked in... And when I checked the digital screen, the the flight for Phnom Penh (capital of Cambodia) flashed an urgent "Last Call" repeatedly. Panic flooded my veins. It was the first time I had ever felt so scared. I imagined being left behind, going home to my mom's shocked face which will immediately turn to anger... And so I ran. I never ran so hard! And I never jumped so many people's queue before! Thank God really, that people at the check in queue were kind enough to let me pass first when I explained to them my dire situation. And I ran more, with my handcarry sling bag bouncing against my butt, airticket and passport in hand, frantically searching for the departure gate. It must be quite a sight because people actually stopped to stare! :S But I didn't care. I was fuelled by pure panic, and when I finally found the gate, I was painfully out of breath and embarrassingly disheveled, but gratefully relieved. And the best thing was I couldn't find ANY of my fellow trippers. Because they're all late. And I'm early. Oh happiness. They all came 5 minutes later. Rahhhhh. What a nice way to start the trip, by having a near cardiac arrest.

Anyways, so safely we boarded and arrived in Phnom Penh. One incident was that everybody got through smoothly past the Cambodian customs. But as I walking through, the custom officer started talking to me in Khmer, their local language. Which of course, I didn't understand. So I just politely smiled. I find this totally so not funny, but my fellow trippers were laughing their heads off at me when I told them. I can't help it if I'm born with this hue what!

After, we travelled 3 hours south-east to the province of Prey Veng, to Hope Village, the orphanage where we are staying. Along the way we passed by markets, where we saw kids without limbs begging for money, desperate hawkers swarming around our vehicle trying to sell us their fares (inclusive of fried spiders and crickets, roasted baby chicks, among other horrors, or delights, depending on which perspective you take on). You know we wanted to help, to give money to the kids, but once we did that, it's like inviting the whole clan, the entire community of streetkids to our vehicle, which is not really very advisable. The only thing we could really offer them is a prayer to God for them I guess.

12 Dec, Monday
One of the reasons why I opted to come to Cambodia instead of Thailand is because I wanted to experience for myself what medical missions is all about. And when God gave me the role of a medical assistant for this trip, I couldn't ask for more! :D From Hope Village we travelled 2 hours out on a bumpy dirt road, past vast expanses of rich green padi fields (they're breathtakingly beautiful!), cows, pigs, chickens, buffalos, and finally reached a wooden hut on stilts. This was our makeshift "clinic", and the villagers were already waiting for us to begin.

My job was to read the doctor's prescription, collect the various medication and dispense it to the patient. Sounds easy? Not when there are like a few dozen worth of medicine with all their complicated names to remember - paracetamol, ferrous fumarate, amoxycillin, maxolon, famatodine, just to name a few. I had a translator with me, so while I collected the medicine she gave instructions on consumption. In Khmer of course. Actually I find it quite an easy language to pick up. With virtually everyone around you talking in Khmer, it's hard not to learn something. So on my first day, I attempted to explain the daily intake of medicine to the villagers, in Khmer. And I'm not bad! :D They actually understood. :D

So this basically sums up the day. I was stuck the whole day in the hut giving out medicine, and we worked till sundown, till we couldn't see anymore. People there in the village didn't have electricity; they survive by candlelight. Made me realise how much I take the lightbulb for granted, among so many other things...

Thus ended my first day in the field. Tired but happily exhausted. (:

to be continued.

2005-12-05T18:31:00.000+08:00

Much as I hate to admit it, I think my mom is right.

I haven't had proper time to sit down do any holiday assignments. And I didn't know we had that much to do until the devastating revelations during yesterday's class BBQ. Not to mention the avalanche of revision tests when school reopens next year. In about 25 days' time. A little more than 3 weeks. Only. :S

Y'know sometimes I really wonder if teachers actually derive pleasure or happiness in drowning their students in bone-crushing work. Why do they even call it a school vacation at all.

I think that life is more than just grades and certs. Which probably can explain why my block test and promotional exam results are what they are. Anyways that's besides the point. I am a strong believer that one should not let school envelope your life (the one you're living right now). I believe it's important to pursue what you really want to do. Some people (like my mom) may say it's a fair exchange, to just focus on studying first and enjoy later after you graduate, but what if there's no later?

Life is as unpredictable as it can get.

I don't want to waste my youth poring over notes I hardly understand, nor have much interest in. Not that I'm considering dropping out of school lah, because education is not a choice. Whatever time I have, I want to spend doing things I'm passionate about. I'd like to be answerable to God if He chooses to take me now and if He asks what have I done the past 17 years.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know whatcha gonna get.
-Adapted from Forrest Gump

2005-12-03T22:10:00.000+08:00

I just got back from SYFC's Camp Orion (Nov 30 - Dec 3) yesterday night, reluctantly leaving the BBQ dinner earlier because of a pressing mission trip meeting I cannot afford to miss.

In retrospect I was glad I went for the camp after all. I was initially hesitant about going because I had other activities to attend but only one of me. And it didn't really help that I signed up for this camp alone. Others had the company of their friends from church or school. But I was prepared to be a loner 'cause my objective for signing up was not to make friends but to gain a deeper understanding about God's Word. Anyways the whole camp was like a subset of Amazing Race - we had to carry our haversacks and run about the island completing tasks and all. Sorta a prelude to how backpacking(my secret dream!) feels like!

One part of the camp I still vividly remember is trudging through the forest near Upper Pierce reservoir on Friday. It was meant to be a trek from Yio Chu Kang to Choa Chu Kang but I had no idea it was gonna be so... primitive a journey. Not to mention painful. And dirty. I brought a relatively light bag because I knew there'd be alot of travelling involved. I said 'relatively' because in comparison to my group mates' bags it was like, feather weight with heavy weight. I really don't know what they pack, their bags weighed a tonne! I know because I carried it for them. :( Some of my group mates were so weighed down by their own baggage (their sleeping bags, their kiasu 2.5 litre bottle and what nots) that they can't even catch up with brisk walking. Much less survive the forest grounds. So with my own backpack and sleeping bag and an additional tonne of baggage in front of me we trekked through natural trail.

If this is how it feels like to be pregnant, I tell you its not an easy job. Carrying a turtle shell of a bag in front I can't even see my legs in front of me and my back and shoulder hurt from all the extra burden. If it was on levelled pavement I wouldn't have minded, but half the time, or most of the time, trekking in the forest of trees and mud and monkeys, I was trying to avoid the mudpools (I was wearing my favourite Nikes!), balancing planks on streams, huffing and puffing up dirt hills, ah you get the picture. It was terrible. And it seemed never ending. We trekked and trekked but still the end was nowhere in sight. What kept me going was the hope that around that bend we'd near civilisation once more.

Actually I was a little put off by the people without bags, those who have not a baggage on them, but still walked so slowly. I mean, come on, is it so hard to put a little more effort catching up. Tsk. I think I am a little impatient. Okay maybe not a little. Maybe alot more than I think.

So... this camp made me want to join SYFC. Maybe. But it's not for me to decide I guess.
I will follow where You lead.

2005-11-27T20:13:00.000+08:00

I'm back from Thailand! The trip was good, especially teaching at the primary school in the village. It really made me realise how tough a job teaching could be, trying (desperately) to keep the children, mostly with attention spans of <10 minutes, interested in what you are teaching for 3 solid hours. But along with teaching also comes the feeling of satisfaction. Of being responsible for the addition of knowledge to a growing child's life. Although they'd probably have forgotten it by the next day. But I choose to believe otherwise. Although most of the time us and the Thai kids couldn't understand each other, we still had a good time playing sports and learning together. I guess some things just transcend the language barrier. :)

You know each time I go back to Thailand, instead of getting bored I find myself falling more and more in love with the place. I like the warm nature of the people there, and I find the Thai language so beautiful. I'd probably migrate there if I were to choose a country to move to. And like what everybody teases me about I'd probably have no problem integrating there since I look like a local myself, considering my dark complexion.

Anyways, 3 days after I got back, a beach volleyball tournament was awaiting me. So the past 2 days of this weekend was spent at the beach. And I must say it was a good and superb 2 days! I think our team is surprisingly united, and equally strong in both defence and attack. We won all the matches we played, paving the way to a smooth entry into the finals!! But I just have a little problem here. I can't make it to the finals, which falls on 10 Dec.

You know the good thing about using written words is that it doesn't betray the true feelings that's going through me now. Do not be deceived by the calm demeanor I'm putting up. Because I'm none of that. HOW CAN I BE?!?! It's my first ever beach finals and I can't make it!!! You cannot possibly imagine the disappointment, the anguish, the pain!! Everything's that's happening is gonna happen. Without me. :( And it's the official opening day of the Clementi beach volleyball court. Clementi!! My own hometown!! My territory!!! And I won't be there to witness this never-before-once-in-a-lifetime event. I mean, a beach volleyball court in Clementi?! Clementi, the aging estate where 50% of the population is >45 years old? It's like finding an apple on an orange tree!! (highly impossible but still possible). But ultimately, the thing that's gotta hurt most is not being able to make it for the finals...

But on hindsight, I guess it might as well be so. I've got a flight to catch at 8.20am on 10 Dec, heading for a missions trip to Cambodia. Not that I have a choice, but if to choose, I'd still choose going to Cambodia. I don't think God will be very happy if I did choose personal glory over working for Him. But that's not the point. Beach volleyball finals I can work for it again, but working for God, it's not something to be taken frivolously. It's a commitment.

And I have to really thank God that everything was ok in the end. I thought we'd have to concede defeat in a disqualification or walkover in the finals (the most unglam way to lose) if I can't make it, but the organiser was kind enough to allow a player substitution, something which you don't really see happening at all. I really would love to play in the finals, 'cos beach volleyball is my passion. But I guess God is trying to teach me a lesson. That I'm spending too much time on worldly pursuits more than eternal ones.

Probably this is just the intro, the appetiser, to more things I'd have to give up for God in time to come. I won't deny its hard, but nobody said it was gonna be easy..

Although I can't be with you guys physically, I'd still be with you all morally! All the best, West Four*! :)

*team name, comprising Mingli Xiaowei Tiffany and Chun Li.

2005-11-16T00:40:00.000+08:00

I planned to, wanted to, start packing one week in advance, but apparently my plans failed terribly. Which explains why I am still packing now at this unearthly hour! With less than 6hours more to the flight! And guesss what I realised I left out this ginormous pile of donated clothing, which means I have to repack. Oh happiness.

I have this premonition that I'm gonna forget to bring something. I just know it. But what exactly, I have yet to determine. Don't you just hate this feeling.

Anyways the flight later, which departs Singapore at 8.20am, will fly to Bangkok, following a transit to Udon Thani (where in the world is that!). Then somehow or another we will arrive at Nongkhai where we'll be teaching English and interacting with the children in the village. And guess what! I am excited about the trip! :D

It's a good 8days there and the whole group of us, 27 to be exact, will be back in Singapore by the 23rd, around evening if I'm not wrong. What I hope to get out of this trip, I am not too sure yet. I also don't wanna let myself be bound by any expectations because I may be disappointed. Just going there with an open mind, to give whatever I can give to the people there, and who knows, maybe the people there will be teaching me more than we will be doing so.

Anyways, last words to my dearest teammates: please take care of yourself ok train hard don't slack don't get injured get plenty of rest plenty of water and most important of all don't miss me I'll be back before you know it. (:

i haven't forgotten!

2005-11-14T22:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday night I attended a wedding dinner at Raffles Town Club. I think it was my mom's uncle's daughter's cousin, or something along that line lah. Anyways the place was relatively nice with a nice pool which looks super beautiful and enchanting under soft orange spotlights and nice soft thick carpets.

You know the thing I love about attending wedding dinners, other than the food and the chance to dress up, is that everyone is dressed so nicely and elegantly! It's a good change of scenery from the usual fashion I see on the streets. And the bride and groom! It's always sweet and heartwarming to see 2 people so deeply in love with each other that they have decided to spend the rest of their lives together in matrimony. And when they interlock their arms for the champagne and when they kiss, all everyone could do was go "awwwwww". Maybe they had their fair share of disagreements before, maybe there will be more to come (hopefully not!), but for this night, just this night, everyone is happy. :D

I love weddings. It makes me happy.

2005-11-09T23:38:00.000+08:00

I've never come close to confessing what I truly feel to anyone before, maybe except God. It's so hard you know. Words fail me when I need them most.

I can't imagine myself blabbering or whining on about how screwed up everything is how terrible I feel how deeply entrenched in shit I am (aha pardon me for the crude expression but there is no better way to describe it accurately). My mom said I inherited my dad's passive genes. Hey but you know everytime I see my dad sitting there seemingly stoning at his beloved luohan fishes I know below that calm demeanor are torrents upon torrents of thoughts, because my dad is a clever man. He always has his own special way of dishing out advice, even in silence.

I donno, but it's almost as if I have this phobia about letting people into the deep recesses of my mind. Or heart. It exposes the weak and vulnerable side of me. It's almost like, supplying others with the deadliest weapon to destroy yourself, don't you think. Sometimes the closest person can hurt you the most.

I think I'm selfish. Like a fishmonger.

997 more to go! I told ya I don't cheat. ;)

2005-11-06T23:02:00.000+08:00

That was by far the nicest and sweetest thing anybody ever did for me. When you came a-knocking on my door late at night just now with presents you got me from overseas, I was super shocked, but in a pleasant way. You didn't stay to talk much, but more was said in the silence than words. Watching you leave from behind the gate, you suddenly turned and said "I forgot to give you a hug." I was so touched it brought tears to my eyes.

I thank God I met you. I really do.

2005-11-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

I so wished my knight in shiny armor would come dashing in to save me the damsel in distress yesterday.

It was a dark and deserted night after training yesterday. Everyone was long gone because the coach gave a much lengthened talk than necessary to a few unfortunate chosen ones. When he finally decided to end his speech, I was dog-tired, especially after one whole afternoon of training under the unforgiving sun. I dragged my jelly feet and headed for the toilet near the basketball courts.

It was there that it hid in ambush, waiting for the moment to attack.

As I turned into the female toilet, totally defenseless and vulnerable with nary an ounce of energy left in me, it decided to strike. It was so sudden I had no time to react, only capable of letting out a piercing scream of shock and terror. My heart thudded against my ribs as I came face to face with the attacker.

A large and hideous looking toad was squatting near the entrance of the toilet, attempting to pounce on me (but apparently only succeeded in reaching the height of my ankle). I cannot explain my irrational fear but the thought of it even coming close to me is enough to give me the creeps. I pressed my back against the toilet wall and inched my way in, never taking my eyes off the disgusting amphibian.

At that moment I so wished, sooooo wished that my hero, my knight in shiny armor, my superman, my ryu, would come rushing to my rescue...

You know if given a choice I wouldn't have showered, but hygiene is in my genes, it flows in my blood, and I stink from training. I swear I've never showered in such a short time ever before in my entire life. I couldn't wait to get out of that cubicle because every second my mind was entertaining thoughts of the slimy toad peeking up at me from the shower floor, worse still, clinging on to my feet.

When I stepped out of the shower cubicle, still dripping wet because I hardly bothered to dry myself properly, horrors of all horrors it wasn't there anymore! Which means it can anywhere, which means the disgusting toad can see me and I can't see it. Ugh. So hurriedly I swept everything into my bag, and without even bothering to preen, ran out of the toilet.

I tell you I can't be more relieved to take in a breath of fresh cool night air. It was such a harrowing experience I was still in a highly traumatised state on my way home. And thinking how nice and sweet it'd be if a knight in shiny (preferably black) armor really did came to save the day.

I hate toads.

oh where art thou? thy playful batter turns my face scarlet!

2005-10-30T22:17:00.000+08:00

I had a nightmare when I was having an afternoon nap just now. Maybe not a nightmare, but just a very very very terribly sad dream. I woke up and found eyes moist with tears. For once I can't be more thankful that it is but only a dream and not reality. Even though the details of the dream are slowly fading into oblivion and becoming hazy now, I vividly remember the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt. It was as if every trace of happiness was sucked out of me and in replacement of that void was the deepest of sorrows... I've never felt such despondency, such a sense of loss before. It was awful. I hope I never have to feel it again.

2005-10-30T12:21:00.000+08:00

Other than the fact that the chalet at Changi was super inaccessible and half way around the globe from my home, Ares faculty outing on Friday night was not bad! I think mainly because my secret dream was finally fulfilled, haha.

So everyone gathered at one bungalow after dinner for some activities, of which included the Hotest Girl and Most Macho Guy search. And then came Ares Idol... I was just sitting around minding my own business when suddenly everyone in my class was pointing their fingers at me! I tell you I was shocked beyond words and trying very hard to (subtly) change the topic, but to no avail. I wanted to run away because I know, I just know that I'd just make a fool outta myself (which I eventually did anyways) if I did perform.

But after much cajoling by my classmates, seeing their watery pleading eyes, I had no choice but to agree... It's not easy you know, and especially so for a shy person to step out into the wilderness of public performances, hehh. So I sang a duet of Wu Ding (my favourite duet song!) with my classmates. During the performance, although my memory failed me when I needed it most, the awkward pause of trying very hard to recall the lyrics actually brought about roars of laughter, much to my astonishment!

Anyways you know what I think it was quite a good performance! My singing talents have finally ventured beyond the boundaries of the shower toilet! I always imagine myself singing to an audience when I croon love ballads in the shower... This is like a dream come true!

I guess everybody have secret dreams of their own, and this was my secret dream, which I never thought would ever come true.

Dare to dream.

2005-10-30T00:31:00.000+08:00

I finally see the picture... all but a game.

I think sleep deficiency makes me cranky.

2005-10-27T01:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, the higher the hopes you place on something, the more disappointed you get when it turns out otherwise. I arrived at this conclusion on my way home today.

And the shocking thing was when I reached home my parents were discussing some things, and my mom said the same thing to my dad.

A peculiar case of coincidence perhaps?

Today wasn't the best of days. Too much on my mind and too little space. So I did what I did best - escape. To the fantasy world that reading brings. And I resent the escapist in me.

If you don't see it, its not there?

2005-10-25T21:07:00.000+08:00

It seems even the weather didn't like me. :( Skipping my way to the beach only to be welcomed by an entire skyline of ominous dark clouds and strong gales was... disappointing. I was looking forward to an afternoon of carefree indulgence in my favourite sport in my secret hangout place, but apparently it was not to be. Rahhhh. Much as I tried to brush off the tingly feeling of raindrops on my skin as only my imaginations, my fellow beach khaki was blunt and direct in informing me of reality. True to her words it started pouring and blowing soon after, like some hurricane was coming. :( Sian. I don't think I need to further elaborate on the subsequent events.

Anyways, I realised drinking wine gives rise to this warm and fuzzy feeling. But please note I'm no alcoholic! Just curious yet fascinated at the weird effect this simple drink has on the body.

hey friend can't remember whether the reply was sent successfully but anyways hope you are well as well can possibly be. (:

2005-10-25T11:34:00.000+08:00

I think nobody likes 05S70. :(

We're having a complete make-over of teachers, even our Civics Tutor is abandoning us (not that I'm complaining), but, ALL the other subject teachers?! Our economics and chemistry teachers are staying behind for next year's J1 batch, Math teacher is being transferred elsewhere, and our Biology teacher is heeding the government's call for procreation.

Wonderful.

I don't like changes, sometimes. It takes us into unfamiliar ground, forces us to step beyond our comfort zone. Not that its neccessarily bad, but still... this is a little way too much change don't you think.

I am a little befuddled... Nevertheless heading for the beach later. Never fails to cheer me up.

2005-10-22T19:38:00.000+08:00

Hey best friend,

So you see, things are not the way you think them to be. Sorry that my passiveness had caused much uncalled for misunderstanding... Paiseh for making you think so much. If its not wishful thinking on my part, I guess I'm the culprit of your unhappiness recently? Sorry lah... Hope everything is clearer after what I gave you today. Hope we can still be like always. (: Ok?

This is going in the wrong direction.

2005-10-21T22:05:00.000+08:00

Just a friend.

There was this sharp pain below my ribs today when I was playing volleyball, and even as I walked home it throbs, but with lesser intensity. Can't be menstrual cramps 'cause obviously its in the wrong anatomy. Can't be gastric because I ate breakfast. What if its cancer?! Or organ infection?! So you see how precious life is. Friends reading this, please treat me better. You never know when's your last chance you know.. hehh.

Anyways, in my opinion, if ever there was a darkest girl ever contest, maybe I'll win that prize. My mom scolded me for getting so dark. But I can't help it you know if its my genes. In the first place I wasn't even born fair lah. I guess God decided to give me a darker than usual birthday suit. And it don't really help that my skin is like some super sponge for maximum sunlight absorption. I even get a tannline just going for a normal jog. (And is it true that guys like girls with big eyes and fair skin?!?! Rahhh this is demoralising.)

Some conclusions after some self-reflection on my way home today... Sometimes thinking too much is no good. There's this tendency to think that something exists when in actual fact there is nothing. You sit around anticipating something to happen, hoping something would happen, but ehhhh? actually, you realised maybe in the first place, you imagined it to be there, not that it was really there... False impression perhaps?

Was that for me?

2005-10-19T21:42:00.000+08:00

Results for promotional exams were better than block tests, definitely. I don't ask for a lot, I just hope I can get to keep all 4 subjects and get promoted. Which is what I got! And I'm more than happy already because after the disgusting block test result, I thought I wasn't destined for passes. Maybe God meant that as a wake up call for me to start pulling up my socks. And I'm especially proud of my GP results! Though it may not be considered fantastic, I think it warrants some cause for celebration because I think its not bad wor.

Y'know sometimes I think I'm too easily contented. Which is not too good. Because I'd probably be stuck at this standard forever if I don't start setting higher goals.

Anyways, today was horrible. Given any other day I'd have loved the rainy weather but today, the overcast sky only added more gloom to the already worsening day. Here I have to apologise to my PW mates for my itchy fingers for clicking the mouse so fast I forgot where I saved the stupid written report... And making everyone stay back to redo it. Sorry. :( Thank you guys for helping each other out though. Especially Yuqin's optimism and Candice's calmness, which shocked me because I was almost on the verge of going mad pulling my hair out in frustration knowing that all that hard work is down the drain...

So, after the frustrating incident, I went to the rehab center to visit my Ah Ma just now. She's recuperating there now after the incident. And it sure was heartbreaking to see her cry, because after spending my entire childhood being taken care of by her, she always struck me as a very strongheaded and tough Ah Ma. That's why the least thing I expected to see were her tears. I guess my mom is right, even the strongest person gets worn down and weary sometimes. And that's also why I was quite surprised to feel my throat constricting and my vision blurring all of a sudden. The probability of losing a loved one has never struck me so real before... up till now. I really pray to God that He'll be able to touch her heart, in His time. And to you, I'm praying for your popo too.

I think I'm thinking too much?